Jokes - dont even think about clicking if easily offended I SAID DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT CLICKING ON THIS THREAD IF EASILY OFFENDED! Edit: Actually, they're not that bad really. Nicked from b3ta.com. Why does mike tyson cry after sex? Cause hes got mace in his eyes. ------- Three prostitutes were sitting at the bar. The first one said "I can get THREE whole fingers in me!" The second one said "I can get a whole FIST in me!" The third one simply laughed as she slid down the barstool! -------- chav girl in a car crash. When the ambulance arrives, the doctor says to her "how many fingers am I holding up?" Chav girl replies "Fuck! I'm paralysed from the waist down!" --------- What's got 300 legs and no pubic hair? The front row at a westlife concert. ---------- In the hills of Tennessee a girl ask her father "Kin I use the car daddy?" He replies "Sorry hunny, your brother needs it." "But Daddeeeee" "Well, alright, I'll tell him he'll have to wait. But you have to suck my dick first." "Oh, okay" So she goes down only to pull back spitting and sputtering. "Daddy, it taste like poop!" Father replies: "I told you your brother needed the car too." ----- did you hear about the british men who won gold in the kayakking at the olympics? It was won by two men in a transit van from boscastle. -------- What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his arse. --------- Why did the little girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. ------- Why did the little girl fall over? Because i threw a brick at her head. --------- What do David Beckham and Ayrton Senna have in common? Neither of em can take a corner. ------- Little girl saw 2 dogs shagging, the little girl says"What are those 2 dogs doing, mummy?" Mummy, rushing for a politically correct answer says "erm..they're baking cakes".."I Know", little girl says " You and daddy were baking cakes last night because I licked the icing off the sofa.... ------- This guy walks into a brothel, and being a bit strapped for cashe, and damn horny, he walks up to the woman in charge and demands the cheapest whore in the place. The woman, obviously feeling sorry for his shabby clothes, says "I'm really sorry but there's only really one girl I can give you but she has a slight medical issue.". "Oh?" says the man, "Whats that?" "Well!" says the woman, "She has a slight problem, in that she can't get lubricated down there". The man, obviously desparate, says "I'll take her" and heads upstairs, into the prozzie's chamber. He's shagging her for about a minute or so and he has to stop as it's tearing the skin right off his knob. "Listen dear! Is there anything you can do? Maybe a little KY, a little vaseline, a little margerine even" The woman pops off into the bathroom and comes back 10 minutes later. They start again and this time it's the warmest, wettest, sweetest sex he's ever had Lying on the bed afterwards he asked what she used. "Nothing" said the woman, "I just picked the scabs and let the puss run" --------- Little Johnny misses a day at school. He comes back the next day and the teacher asks why he was off. "Sorry Miss," he replied, "Daddy got burned" "Oh dear" says the teacher, "I do hope it wasn't serious" "Well Miss, they don't fuck about at the crematorium" ----------- Leggy Dawn from Accounts storms into the HR office , crying and obviously upset. The HR woman asks her to calm down and explain the problem. It's Dave, you know Dave from the mail room? Errrm, no, I don't know Dave, I only came here last week. What's the problem with Dave? Well, we were in the lift together and he said My, your hair smells lovely. The HR person is puzzled.....erm..... so what's the problem? The woman replies 'He's a fucking dwarf! ---------- A guy steps into an elevator and notices a nice looking girl is in it. He leans over and says, "Can I smell your ****?" "Of course not!" she screams back at him. "Oh - then it must be your feet" he replies. ----------- Ok. So a guy goes to Paris and his friends, who are locals, tell him that he has to go see this french whore who can give the greatest blowjob ever while singing the french national anthem. So the guy goes to the hooker and she takes him inside, turns off the lights, and gives an amazing blowjob while singing the french national anthem. When it's over, he asks her how she does it. She says it's a trade secret. He goes back again, and the same routine is followed. Lights go off, blow job begins, and it's followed by singing. She still refuses to tell him, so he goes back one more time, and midway through the national anthem, he flicks on the lights and the whore runs out of the room screaming. All that is left is a glass eye on the table. ---------- A man takes his grandson on a tour of his hometown. First they come to a cottage. The grandfather explains that he helped build that cottage with his own two hands. "But they don't call you a cottage builder in this town for that," the grandfather says. Next, they come to a bridge, and the grandfather tells his grandson that he spent his entire junior year in high school helping to build that bridge. "But they don't call you a bridge builder in this town for that," the grandfather says. A few minutes later, evidently in nostalgic thought, the grandfather almost thinks outloud, "But if you fuck a goat just one time..." --------- why do you wrap hamsters in carpet tape? so they won't split when you fuck them. --------- What has got four legs and one arm ? A pitbull at the playground. ---------
heres a couple ive stumbled across....uve probs heard most of them After Michael Jackson's wife had her baby, Michael asked her how long it would be before he could have sex. She replied "For fuck sake , let the little bastard start walking first !!!!!" Guy takes his wife to the Doctor... The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimer's disease or AIDS." "What do you mean ?" the guy says. "You can't tell the difference ?" "Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages..." "But doc surely there must be a test." "Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country and kick her out of the car." "Then what ??" "If she finds her way back - don't fuck her." A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home." A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar. He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples." She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your ass." He laughs and says, "Alright, why don't I just give you a big sloppy kiss then." She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man kill you." "This is my final offer", he says, "I'll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your pussy, and drink from your ****." She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to lick her tits. He yells, "I'll kill him!" She then tells him he was going to kiss her. By now he's pissed and starts walking in his direction. She says, "Wait! He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my twat, and drink from me!" Her boy friend stops and say's "Sorry babe, I can't fuck with anyone who can drink that much beer." Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.
Re: Jokes - dont even think about clicking if easily offended LMFARO thats the funniest thing ive heard all day
According to the song, there's a stairway to heaven.........thats Superman fucked then! ---- Toys r Us are planning to release a Kenneth Bigley doll complete with cage, Orange boiler suit and detachable head. However a release date has not yet been confirmed..... ---- Superman and Kenneth Bigley had a race to heaven, Superman won by a head.
