Things to do when u are at home and cant go out TELEPHONE MARAUDING (courtesy of Ade's recommendation of www.disappointment.com) Telephones are a whole lot of fun. 1) Humourous Company Name Fun Telephone a company with a funny name and engage in lively banter. For example, phone Leigh's Pyclets in the Midlands, and say - "Do you sell pies? No? Do you sell clits, then?" For example furtherly, phone Hilary's Curtains in Nottingham, and say "I'd like to buy Hilary's Curtains, please!" 2) Fax-A-Doodle-Do Record a proper fax handshake, which tells one fax machine that it is talking to another one. Play this to a fax machine over the phone, so that it is ready to receive data. Start squealing and cawing into the phone, to see what drawings it makes. 3) Trying Secret Codes Remember that number that you used to dial, and then, when you put the phone down, it rang? While you hid in the bedroom, and waited to pick up the other phone at the same time as the other person did, so that you could blow raspberries at them? Well, that number doesn't work any more, but there must still be codes that only the engineers know. If a human answers, panic and hang up.
TINKERING AND EXPERIMENTATING What can a man tinker with? Nearly anything. And women too - but when women tinker with things, it is called "faffing". DR. JONES TOASTER Re-enact the "Nazi Picking Up A Coin That Burns His Hand With Holy Rage" scene in the first Indiana Jones movie, by putting a spoon into the toaster and pressing it into your palm. BATH OF DISGUST Everything that comes out of your body must be kept in the bath. Stand in it. Let the shit roll down your legs. Piss onto your filth, as tears of self-disgust add sorrow and salt to the mélange. As the stench becomes overwhelming, you will start probably start to sweat with a fearsome nausea, followed - obviously - by a cascade of vomit that will leave you feeling empty and shamed. There is nothing left in you. There isn't a single substance or emotion left in your spasm-wracked guts. PUDDING NITRO-BOBS While we're on the subject, why not drink paraffin, take laxatives, then see if you can light your shits like Christmas puddings? FIREMAN JI-SAM If it works - and if it does, please tell us - then why not try to put out the flames with your semen? Stand there, wanking over a puddle of your own flaming shit, bringing yourself off with your eyes closed? CUT YOURSELF UP Oh, fuck it. Why don't you cut yourself? Reclaim the autonomy that circumstance and cowardice have taken from you. They can rule over every aspect of your life except this one - the precious moments you spend alone, damaging the body that barely even belongs to you. There are no links out of here. Stop using the internet and get to work.
BUILD A ZOMBIE You may choose a level of zombie to build, but here are rules common to all zombies. Gather meat and guts together - if you hang around a butcher's or abattoir after hours, they'll probably give you some for free. Stitch the bits together into a vaguely human shape, bury in the garden until rotten. Resurrect the meat with voodoo, pull it out of the ground by the wrist with some rope, then bring it into the house. Thrash it at Monopoly - every single time. Level 1 : Porkchop In A Hat - Low convinceability. + Quite cute if you put a face on it. Level 2 : Sack Of Meat With Human Head + Eerie and spooksome, yet safe. - Difficulty of obtaining head through proper channels. Level 3 : Full Offal Bind + The ultimate Zombie warrior - in a trice! - When humanity is robbed of its only certainty, death, only spiritual oblivion can follow. If you are unconvinced by this page, add an element of confused realism by changing Voodoo to "Vodun", and Zombie to "Zombi".
FANTASY YEAR Chances are your year was not all you had hoped. Perhaps a relationship ended on bad terms. Perhaps you have been keeping a secret that eats at you like fire. Perhaps your mum got drunk and showed you her Frank Langella. Eur. Get your old calendar and cut it up. Rearrange the months and the days in the order you damn well like. Possible Events You May Have Wanted To Happen A Visit to the Zoo where you saw animals having unforgiving sex. Plunged your hand in a snakey hole to retrieve a map. Followed the map to a freaky family's house. Got ticked off by the mayor. Found a pirate ship underground and played an ancient organ to open the treasure vault. Be careful; your ideal year may not be a composite of zoogoing, Indiana Jones, Ghostbusters and The Goonies.
HAVING FUN WITH TAPS Taps are a whole lot of fun. 1) Mania Tap Dash Hurry Up Run around the house, turning all the taps on. Can you run around and turn them all off again, before anything overflows? Probably! 2) Tap Kick Tap Kick Kick Kick Tap Taps! Guardians to a world of water - water that you need to live. Why should you have to deal with *them* every time you need to fill a kettle, or get some jam off your face? Kick them! That's right, kick them right off! 3) Precision Tap Noodle Buy Draw a line half way up the bath. Then turn the taps on at a rate that you think will fill the bath to the line in the time it takes you to nip to the shops and buy some cheap noodles. Then go out and buy some noodles, returning home to find your bath filled to the line. Hopefully! 4) Tap Magic Tap magic. If you have a hot tap and a cold tap that are next to each other, turn them on until the cold tap runs really cold, and the hot tap runs really hot. Then hold a wrist under each tap and swear under your breath until a genie appears. 5) Risk Precision Tap Choc Dip Buy The same as 3), but you buy a Choc Dip, and the line is at the top of the bath. And you are wired up to a shiny grey bomb.
TORMENTING THE PETS Individual pets have individual weaknesses. Use this chart to help you create a sense of lingering wariness in your pets. CAT hold the cat under your arm and finger its arse DOG hold paws down and kick flanks GOLDFISH pour in some gravy and stir with a carrot PARROT teach them to say anti-parrot propaganda HAMSTER squeeze them in your hand until you feel wet and regretful BEAR hypnotise it with a spinning circle on a stick, then rape it MANX wear a fake tail and show off, rubbing the tail against your face, and pretending it feels like silk ELEPHANT leave a trail of peanuts and buns, leading to a mouse STICK INSECT pull off its legs and push it around with them NO PETS? torment yourself with a few home truths
